For the first time,
I woke up this morning, put on the shoes I like and my favorite flannel and walked out into the brisk morning. I didn't think about what anybody else was doing, or what anyone would think of me when they saw me. I just walked forward with my face up, the sun shining, excited to discover another new place in this beautiful city that I call home. I didn't tell anyone where I was going, I just went and found a quiet little coffee shop to sip some caffeine and write. Because that's what I like to do most. Sip Coffee, journal, reflect, and pray. I ordered my drink without any thoughts about what the person next to me was going to order. I chose the seat that I wanted. I sat with my bible wide open in front of me as I settled in to spend a morning with Jesus, just me and him.
It's silly how afraid I am. I want to go out and do things by myself, like a big girl. But I'm not confident I can do it. I'm scared of getting lost. Of being alone in situations that make me uncomfortable. Of people looking at me. These are such silly things though so why not just get over it? Then comes the truth. These are only the shallow layers of my fears. Maybe I'm only scared of getting lost because I'm too prideful to ask anyone for help and I need to be the one who is in control, who has all the answers, who is perfectly together all the time and wouldn't have a chance of getting lost. Maybe the possibility of those uncomfortable situations scares me because I don't have a voice enough speak up in them, maybe if my faith is challenged by them I'll discover that I don't really have any. Maybe I don't like people looking at me because if they look into my eyes, they will see that I am just a scared little girl who has big girl clothes on, trying to do big girl things when all she can really do is pretend.
I have no revelation or wise words to end this poorly written post. I'm just learning to care less about what people think, to face my fears head on with Jesus, and to be okay with being me. Somehow all of this fits together in this things we call life. I don't really have anything figured out but I'm going somewhere. And that somewhere is good.
